How's This for Muchness?

Much of a muchness has remained as part of the language since Vanbrugh's day, but has never been commonplace. It is rather and odd phrase on the face of it as, in literal terms, it just means 'of a similar quality of being much'. Lewis Carroll picked up on that oddness when, in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, 1865, he had the Dormouse ask Alice "That begins with an M, such as... muchness - you know you say things are 'much of a muchness' - did you ever see... a drawing of a muchness?"- http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/251550.html
  
"You used to be much more...muchier. You've lost your muchness."
-The Mad Hatter to Alice, Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland

Somewhere around the middle of 2009 my muchness began fading away. I can pinpoint various events, choices and people I could blame for the many intricacies of myself melting into a blob of nothing.

Those things don't matter anymore.

I can say I was not much myself from most of 2009-2010. Fortunately, something happened, or shall I say some things happened. Now, I am much more...muchier.

I'm not precisely sure of the exact moment I realized my life required change. Around Autumn 2010, it slowly began hitting me. For a year I allowed much of myself to dwindle away and be replaced by a zombie version of myself. This zombie version wasn't quite lovely. It needed to go.

Then, one day it came to me. I am way too pretty to let substandard, rotten people make me feel bad about myself and I am far too intelligent to not do what I want in life. (Yes, these thoughts did in fact pass through my mind, and yes they were rather groundbreaking).

I made a decision, a big one or a whole load of them I suppose. I was finished with all the negative in my life. I was ridding all the sour things from my every being right then and there. Anything in this universe draining my muchness would cease to exist in Jean's World.

It literally all happened in an instant. I texted my roommates, who are much like a second set of big brothers. I told them to be home when I returned. I needed to talk with them. As I made my way home, Ryan and Brett sat on our couch smoking and drinking, waiting for whatever I so adamantly needed to discuss at 3am.

In a dramatic act of hysterics only a young lady of my caliber can perform, I entered our apartment slamming the door behind me. I ripped my suede Steve Madden ankle boots off my wet feet (seriously, it always rains during emotional moments of my life) and threw them on the floor with a vengeance. I walked to our kitchen, tore open the buttons on my leather bomber jacket and slammed it on the counter.

The boys looked at me, semi-intoxicated, semi-terrified, semi-concerned and very entertained.  

What's wrong, Jeanie? Ryan asked as he stroked his fluffly cat Captain sitting on his lap.

I looked Ryan and Brett both in the eyes, then back down on the counter to ensure nothing spilled on my jacket.

Don't ever, ever let me bring anything miserable into this apartment again. 

The boys and I stayed up all night chatting. A year of regret I felt, poor choices I made and mistreatment I allowed all poured out, along with a waterfall of mascara tainted tears (luckily I had a set of frozen spoons waiting in the freezer for the next morning). The following day everything was new again.

How's this for muchness?
Alice when she finally regains her spirit and courage in Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland

I went to my hometown of Rochester, NY for Christmas a couple weeks ago. Although I knew I was finally getting back to myself, it became abundantly clear when those closest to me, the ones who know me best and care for me most commented. Multiple people kept saying how great I looked. I was confused. I'm not related to or close with people who would tell me I look great or flatter me with false compliments when I've hardly changed in physical appearance. It wasn't until my best friend explained I looked different because I looked happy that I grasped how much I changed.

So now here I am, me and all my muchness. Much happier. Much loved. Loving much. Much wiser with much ambition. Much sillier. Much sassier. Much moving and active much. Much stronger. Learning much, with much to learn and much, much more than all of that. *


XX Jeanie 
*I promise not to include the word "much" in my next post.