Lack of Maternal Instincts or Abundance of Narcissism & Paranoia?

Earlier today I was thinking how grand my life would be if I could be a part-time nanny whilst in grad school. Preferably, it would be to a family in the village, as that's where my school is located. The children would be between ages 5-10, old enough to be fully potty-trained and possess a personality and speaking abilities, yet young enough they haven't reached the wretchedly awkward and irritating pre-teen adolescent stage. 

They'd be incredibly intelligent, well-dressed and witty. I'd do manicures with the little girl and watch Spiderman with the little boy. I'd make flashcards with them to study for their vocabulary tests (certainly they'd attend some fabulous private school). Their parents, a power couple in their early forties would own a gorgeous apartment filled with fancy foods I could only dream of affording in my own kitchen. The mom would give me her Chanel bags when she became tired of them and the dad would share his Knicks tickets when he couldn't make a game. They'd love me (as would the kids, obviously). I'd play around with the children and have time to do school work whilst getting paid.

It would be glorious.

As I'm in Jean Land daydreaming about all this glory, I decide to Google some nanny agencies in the city and find out if I'm even remotely close to being somewhat negotiably qualified for such a position. 

 First listing I see on a nanny site: 

"Seeking Part-Time Sitter/Nanny in Hell's Kitchen"

Hmm, well it's not in the village, but it's part-time and still in Manhattan, not to mention beggars can't be choosers. I continue reading the listing...

"My husband and I are seeking an amazing sitter"

I would def be an amazing sitter.

"...who has experience with infants under 6 months."

Uhhh guess I can stop reading this one now. I'm not sure how to properly to hold a baby.

I find another listing suitable for my schedule.

"Babysitter/Housekeeper/Nanny Wanted - Manhattan"

I click on the listing and see a photo of the mother bottle feeding a baby.  

Crap. Maybe it's just a stock photo from the site, or the mom put up an old picture.

"We are looking for a babysitter/housekeeper for our 1-month-old son."

Oh no. I can't do that. What if I tried feeding it and lost balance whilst simultaneously holding the bottle and the baby. What does one do with a one-month-old? Is the milk supposed to be warm or cold?

After perusing more sites, it becomes increasingly clear to me. I am absolutely terrified of babies. I am a 23-year-old female who hasn't the slightest clue how to care for an infant. Is this normal?

It's not a matter of being against motherhood or settling down. Eventually, one day (when I've learned not to be so self-involved and vain) I'd like to have a family. I love little kids. Something about babies just freaks me out. 

I continue dwelling on this idea. I'm 23. I have many friends who are either pregnant or have children. I can't even bear thinking of the responsibility involved in caring for someone else's baby a few hours. I often get worried I left one of the cats in my bedroom with my door shut when I leave the apartment.

Last spring, my best friend had a baby. When I visited to meet this beautiful mini-human, I was terrified to hold her. I  worried I might hold her wrong and her neck would break or her head would fall off. Even though I held her sitting down, I feared she'd fall out of my grasp and onto the floor, subsequently enduring lifelong brain damage because my arms felt sore after holding a 10-pound baby for eight minutes. Each time she made the slightest noise or movement, I shuddered with fear and asked if it was normal or if the baby was experiencing some type of seizure.

Of course everyone says how once you get pregnant everything comes naturally, etc. 

Is it natural for me to cross my legs closed as tight as possible whenever someone mentions pregnancy or childbirth? Is it natural that as a child, before even having my first period, I had an overwhelming fear of sitting on a public toilet and becoming impregnated? 

This may stem from being the youngest person in my entire family on both sides and having relatively no exposure to infants throughout my entire life. It could be because as soon as I was old enough to read, my mother profusely warned me, "Don't have sex until you're married...I've seen too many good girls listen to boys and end up with babies before they were ready." Maybe I'm just still at a point where I know I'm not ready to focus my life on anyone other than myself.

Whichever way it goes, I'm still slightly discomforted that I'm 23 and can't even imagine being pregnant in the [distant] future without feeling uneasy or hold a baby without worrying I'll ruin its life.

This may or may not be normal. I'm not sure. Most things about me aren't normal in a conventional sense.

Luckily, I have birth control, so even if I sit upon a sperminated toilet seat somewhere, I'll be 99.9% protected from pregnancy. I also have a good amount of girl friends who are wonderful mothers (or will be before I am) and they can teach me how to handle a mini-human when I'm 45 and decide to procreate SJP/Matthew Broderick style and put my stuff in another woman's womb.  

XX Jeanie, the female lacking maternal instincts